Sunday, October 30, 2011


There are few things more satisfying to me than finishing a project. That inner warmth I get from knowing I have done something I previously set out to do, well...that's lovely. It can be something small like finishing a paper for a class or that much greater gratification that I had when I finished my first novel. I just finished yet another play at work and I know I did my best possible work and my students rewarded that with their own and we put on a great show.

I love knowing that I have done something and done my best.

So then why do I procrastinate so often? Seriously, even something as simple as making a DVD of the play can sometimes take me months (although I am already done with this play...turning a new page in that regard). Or writing...or anything. It is so much easier not to do something and yet not doing it makes me feel crappy and doing things makes me feel good, so you would think I would be more apt to do those things that make me feel good and avoid those things that make me feel crappy and, yet, for no good reason at all, I still procrastinate.

Self examination is a bitch. I know too much about myself. I know what makes me tick. What I need is a repair manual for myself. I need to know where to turn the screws to make my "do it now" systems engage with a regular frequency.

I mean, seriously. I know I feel better when things are done. I know I feel better when I do them ahead of time. So when I wait to do something at the last minute, I know that while the finality of completion will make me feel better, I wonder exactly what I was doing whilst I was not doing what I needed to do or what made me feel good. Was doing nothing that much better?


I promise to turn over new leaves but I fail at that. I still get things done, and I do a lot of things. And I'm really good at doing them at the last minute. What I need to do is make more of an effort to remember the good feeling, the release of endorphins, the self-satisfaction of having done my best work well ahead of schedule. Of being productive without a deadline.

When I can do that on a regular basis, I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I have actually changed something significant about myself after 40 (and, yeah, you can say I've done other things, significant things, but that's an entirely different kind of change).

I don't think I'll ever be me to the best possible point to feel satisfied with myself. This is why I need to live forever.

No comments:

Post a Comment